Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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