Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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