I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
