hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
