The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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