His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
