Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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