Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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