You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize