I will die if light touches me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
