just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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