i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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