I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
