i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
