broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I lost the right to judge tonight
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
