I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
