i think my tv is drunk
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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