And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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