how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize