How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
be right there i have to get my cape
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
