My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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