it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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