You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
