pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
