I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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