Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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