I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
