I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The power of my boobs compel you
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
