turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
