false alarm. still invincible.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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