did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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