someone get that fucking seahorse.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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