Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
