Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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