Me. At least after what I've been through.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
