She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
