just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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