you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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