Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
