Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
