The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
