She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
