why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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