his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
