How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
