What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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