I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The power of my boobs compel you
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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