Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
