First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My bed is full of blood and feathers
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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