i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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