His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
