Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
