I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
