...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
