He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
