Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
