I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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