Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
