i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
