Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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