His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
