Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
