This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
